The only one I’ve ever had to console me through heart break is the offender. You unburden your soul onto another person, you share experiences with them; good, bad or mundane. They become a fleshy crutch sprouting from your being, keeping you from falling until suddenly they are cut from you. You are left to fall back into the world alone. You are unbalanced and disoriented and most of all it hurts. The wound is on the inside. The wound is bleeding out bile that fills your body and intoxicates your head. You are numb. Resuming routine but only really semi present. You’re recovering alone.
Christmas shopping. If you were planning on going out into the world today in order to complete some christmas shopping maybe you should take a moment to recognize what you are. You are a human being, you make up a miniscule fraction of your species and an even smaller fraction of the planet. You are a particle of a plague, a pulsing, shitting, breeding plague which will be gone faster than it began. You are nothing. Anything that happens to you that leaves you feeling a second of happiness, justice and peace is a fluke miracle and basically good luck. You are in no position to demand your deluded ‘fair treatment’ from the chaos of everything. So when you enter the store and treat a young member of staff earning minimum wage, doing a twelve hour shift like the face of corporate injustice and demand their jobs because there weren’t envelopes for your shitting gift cards or because YOU failed to read the terms and conditions within a returns policy stated on your receipt and within the vicinity of the establishment maybe you should consider how little you matter and how absolutely gross and petty you are. You don’t get what you want all the time. That’s life and considering the state of our civilization on the planet, minor disappointment is an enviable feeling.
So shove your insignificant, miserable retail experience which YOU chose to fucking embark on so far up your ass that it smoothers your lungs and you lay suffocating for hours on your fucking floor that you swept every morning, maintaining your fake fucking paradise until you’re finally done and put out of the misery you conjured up for yourself.
It’s been a funny month.
this ad is really upsetting.
you’re implying that pubic hair that shows/grows “outside the pantyline” (which is normal/natural for the vast majority of us gals) is “unattractive”….this is the kind of shit Gillette and Nair would pull to hock product, and the sort of cultural beauty-standard malarkey that is contributing to a generally worrying trend…12 and 13 year old girls demanding full bikini waxes and all the shit that I think we can all basically agree is absurd.
fur, bad. yes. i’m with you.
but this ad is perpetuating really unhealthy attitudes. fear and unhappiness in the body-hair department is becoming more and more prevalent in young girls (and all women), because they feel they have no alternative. most feel like they’ll be judged if they don’t tow the party line, and an organization like PETA has more cred (you’re somewhat cool, right? you’re forward-thinking people fighting for a noble cause, right?) than a corporate hair-removal/razor company.
despite the strides of progress made by the generation of women who came before us, we’re slipping backwards. the beauty standard is becoming a more and more difficult struggle for young women. ads like this are part of the problem.
PETA, if you care about animals, and their health and overall happiness index, take your human animals into account alongside the rest of them.
compassion for all.
Peta seem to do this a lot.
A month from now I’ll be saying goodbye to who I consider to be my closest friend at this time. Having moved around so much my life tends to be divided into fractions as it is ever-changing. From settling in England I have noticed I only have friends from college, work, uni etc. and once these things come to an end I seem to lose all the friends I have made. Obviously they have family and long standing friends here so it’s no great loss for them but I am constantly feeling lost and alone. I feel like I don’t fit here, I feel like there is something a little bit different about me that people don’t seem to take to however I don’t feel this way with visitors to this country. It just so happens that at this time my closest friend is a visitor to this country and soon her time here is coming to an end and as I sit here alone on this gloomy Saturday afternoon much like the one before it, I’m noticing how much everything is slipping. Needless to say I am very anxious about what the near future will bring.
Any girls or Eunuchs between 20-30 looking for someone new to shoot the shit with?
Woke up over 4 hours before I needed to and now that the day has started for the rest of the country I have to go to work. At least I spent the time with Tigers Jaw and hash browns. Time well misspent.
I spotted a rat in my place today, must have something to do with all the open containers of old faeces and urine. The place has filled with the most dizzying of smells. It’s almost enough to put me off my bi-daily masturbation routines however most of the time I am so adjusted to it that I don’t even notice, I suppose it makes more of an impact when it’s at eye level. It must sound extremely self indulgent but it’s closely bordering self harm with all the over played ‘fantasies’ of utter self depreciative humiliation.
Anyway it’s been about three days since I left the house and I’m starting to run out of the chinese supermarket brand noodles that I purchased almost a week ago. Has it become socially acceptable to leave the house wearing snot encrusted long johns that are wearing away slightly in the ass? I suppose I can just slip my jeans over them for the journey, the thought of de-robing them to leave the house is causing me considerable separation anxiety. I cover my hair with a hat and my new skin with an old coat and jeans.
It was too easy to give in. Saying I had work and was too tired slowly transformed into feeling too ill. It was just so easy to resist, too easy not to leave. Too easy to stay alone and shut it all out. I guess it began when I noticed a lack of enjoyment in all the things I used to find fun. I began to find it too tiring to listen to people because that’s all they want; for you to listen. Which is fine until I started to notice the dynamic of conversations. No one was really listening to each other, only hearing. I became a total observer because I found it too exhausting to bother talking and the whole ordeal of watching people indulge in conversation became more disturbing than if they were talking to themselves alone in their houses. I’m losing mass, slowly ceasing to exist. Watching everyone saying the same things and living the same lives and still never understanding each other. I am the same and what a boring asshole I am. I’ve grown so bored with myself that I’ve disowned any strong opinions I held. When something strange or amusing happened to me at work I found it utterly dull and pointless to recall the event to another. I just can’t give enough of a fuck about it or anything I have to say or do for that matter.
Luckily the days have remained grey this week and the torrential downpour is enough for me to kid myself that I am not being counter productive, everyone is keeping indoors away from the weather. For the first quarter of my journey I am stricken with panic, a panic I wasn’t initially aware of until I attempted to lock my door and my hands were shaking. My whole body was shaking making my legs weak. I am completely unstable.
350g Mature Cheddar
(The above purchases mostly used for grilled cheese)
4x400g Heinz Tomato Soup x2
5x85g Koka Instant Noodle, Assorted flavours
3x250g Toasted Seed Mix
2x750g Store Brand Corn Flakes
4pints 1% Milk
2x110g Alpro Cherry Yogurtx3 (Longer shelf life)
I am hoping this to last me another week. Eating has been as much of a struggle as leaving the house. Imagining myself in my room, in the filth having done nothing, devouring, undeserving. Makes me feel sick and almost brings me to tears. It is best not to think, it is better to distract myself with the wonderful things that other people have created. How I enjoy their art.
And so away I retreat from my mind to keep myself from the dark and to keep you, dear reader from the harrowing mediocrity that is my life and my head.
That lump in your stomach is the lump in my throat. Here’s hoping that this year for you wont be anything like the last.
I need some words to send me to sleep tonight. I understand it’s late and tomorrow you will go about your day but is it too much to ask to give me a second thought. We keep each other so far away.
and I burst into tears in;